The Kingpins of Cowtown

Time to go postal

First the Postal Service wants to squeeze a few more pennies out of us for stamps, and now they're removing the clocks inside the post offices so we won't focus on how long the wait is to buy said overpriced stamps!

The post office ain't Vegas, you know, where casinos have raised separating stooges from their money to a science.

We snail mailers know our rights. We have the right to use e-mail, we have the right to pay bills online. And, oh yes, we have the right to Fed-Ex your butts right out of business.

So keep up the brilliant PR moves, postal dudes, and you'll go the way of the Pony Express.

New York Strip club

Talk about a juicy assignment ... New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni went above and beyond the call of duty when he sampled the best steaks in the city, which just happen to be found inside the Penthouse Executive Club.

Would you like a lap dance with your appetizer?

The review is topped with a healthy dollop of sarcasm. Bruni had to sample the merchandise at Robert's Steak House (nestled in the bossom of the Penthouse Club) several times, because, well, it is surely Times policy.

Not surprisingly, Bruni's story is the most popular on the Times site.

Here's a story that'll make your head hurt and your blood boil.

Boy dies from toothache.

Put a Mac in it, Prince Charles

Prince Charles is dissing McDonalds? Sorry, Dumbo, but not everyone has a staff to cook for him or eats their Big Breakfast with a Silver Spoon.

Morgan Spurlock, he is not.

Maybe Chuck's a fan of Burger King and the creepy King they have in their ad campaigns.

Does this one remind you of someone?

School daze

Surfin' on the Fort Worth Independent School District site this morning, and I found one of those Leno-esque oops headlines:

I've heard about March Madness, but Math Madness?

The reason I was on the Fort Worth ISD site was a friend told me about her brother-in-law lining up at Paschal High School at 6 a.m. this morning to get his kid into the school. And at 6 a.m. he was No. 61 in line.

"I just thought it was crazy that my hip, cool brother-in-law who used to camp out for concert tickets is camping out to get his kid in high school," Suzy wrote.

Crazy, but kinda cool. The registration doesn't even start till tomorrow, so he'll be bundled up overnight tonight. Made me want to camp out, too. I've never have done that for a concert. Unless you count the Barry Manilow World Tour in '78.

Harry's magic wand

Harry Potter hit the stage today in London, and the Brits seem fine with the sex and nudity in Equus. And Daniel Radcliffe is getting positive reviews. But at least one group voiced its displeasure that Harry can be seen smoking cigarettes on stage. They're OK with the cigar, but no cigarettes.

The most telling tidbit surrounding this whole story? The theater sold $3.1 million in advance tickets. I'd say the boy wizard's big gamble paid off.

Eat it with your fingers -- and a small village

It's lunchtime, so why not tear into the biggest burger in the world.

Here are the stats: 123 pounds total.

That's an 80 pound beef patty; 160 slices of cheese;  five onions; 12 tomatoes; 33 pickles, 1 pound lettuce; 1 pound ketchup; 1 pound relish; 1 pound mustard; 1 pound mayonnaise; topped with 2 pounds of banana peppers and a 30-pound bun.

Cost: $379

Denny Leigey, the publicity hungry owner of Dennys Beer Barrel Pub in Clearlake, Pa., is going to send his gluttony burger to the Guinness Book of World Records. He says it makes the current world record 105-pound burger look like a Krystal.

Our unofficial calculation of the calories: 134K, with 6,080 fat grams. Eat the whole thing by yourself and die instantly, but die happy.

This piece of food porn reminds us of another great gluttonous moment in culinary history, the world's most expensive sandwich. London's Selfridge's department store made a splash last year with the sandwich, which cost $148 and featured marbled Wagyu beef on sourdough bread, with fresh foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux cheese, arugula, red-pepper-and-mustard confit and plum tomatoes.

Meet my boy, Honus

Honus Wagner card sells for $2.35 million. The buyer's anonymous.

I would be, too. Wouldn't want anyone to know I spent the GNP of a small country on a baseball card. I hope the anonymous moron accidently rips the card like Steve Wynn elbowed his Picasso.

On another note, why doesn't anyone name their kid Honus anymore?

I woke up with Donk this morning?

I loved The Partridge Family, and always thought the only thing that would haunt my dreams about it was trying to remember the difference between the two Chrisses.

But David Cassidy and his tell-all have changed all that:

“I’ve always been very comfortable with my sexuality and my brothers call me ‘Donk’ — as in Donkey. People have talked about me being ‘blessed’ in my physique,” Cassidy writes. “The first time [I met Gina Lollobrigida] she looked me up and down and said: ‘I hear you’re a monster. I want to meet the monster.’ Well, I decided that if I had it, there wasn’t any point in just keeping it in the holster all the time.”

Uh ... pfftttt ... pfttttt .... pfttttttttttttt .... Still can't get it out of my system. This makes Danny Bonaduce look like an altar boy.

Apparently Cassidy's book, Could It Be Forever, will be published in Great Britain next week; it has no U.S. publisher yet. But a new CD, David Cassidy Part II The Remix, which includes dancey versions of hits like I’ll Meet You Halfway and I Think I Love You, will be released today only in Target. (Sounds decent). But will Target think twice after they hear about Cassidy's book and his escapades with sex, drugs and Meredith Baxter? (Must he ruin all my favorite '70s and '80s TV memories.)

Oh, right, Target's not Wal-Mart. But I'd just as soon DC keeps this monster in the corral. And leave my G-rated recollections of The Partridge Family alone.

He's the king of controversy

James Cameron sunk the Titanic. Now, the self-proclaimed King of the World is ready to sink Christianity. And, as you might guess, he's getting a bit of static for his heresy.

The Last Tomb of Christ, a documentary he's producing for the Discovery Channel, claims to have found the bones of Jesus and his family. The claim doesn't sit well with Christians in general.

Rather than just ignore Cameron, church poobahs were quick to call the documentary a hoax, which, of course, just makes the viewing public want to see it more. It airs March 4. Decide for yourself. Or just read the Da Vinci Code again.

But here's another conspiracy theory. James Cameron = J.C. I'm just sayin'.